When the anger dissipates, all that's left to do is to examine the aftermath and try to pick up the pieces. And when I actually stop to look at the damage, I realize that the stronger you feel for someone and the closer you get, the harder the fallout ends up being. We burned so brightly together, and we flamed out just as quick when the breeze came.
I don't want to finger point or argue anymore. What's the point? We both yelled, texted and blogged all that we had to say and more. We guilt tripped, we took personal shots and we ended up showing off the worst of us. I guess I just find it tragic that we would spend so much time and effort into letting someone in, and then we'd go and sabotage our own happiness because we're afraid of the very thing we want. And it's disappointing to know that what was once so right and true now leave us as strangers that can't even care about one another without hurting each other.
Deep down, we want to try so hard to find the right words and do the right things for us but without realizing it, all we do now is try to cause as much pain and bitterness to each other as we feel ourselves. And that kind of fallout is just sad. Maybe it was necessary for us to move on, maybe it's a part of life, and maybe one day we might even look back and accept the people we were and the decisions we made, but it's still sad. No time in the world will change that.
I slept on it, and now I'll write my closing remarks. I won't make this long because I don't think at this point you deserve too much of my time. Let me make this clear, everything was just a long time coming. It wasn't just about this one incident, and there's no point in debating who's right or who's wrong. I did this for me and myself alone. I was tired of being your doormat and letting you walk all over me. Having baggage is no excuse for how you made me feel terrible about myself all summer. You have your issues and maybe I wasn't prepared for what I got myself into but I knowI deserved better. And all those times you said you were sorry and I wanted so badly to forgive you? I didn't. I never did and maybe I never will. You can live with that.
In my mind, I have this image of the girl I believed you were. The truth is, you haven't been that person for a long time now. You know how I treated you, and you know how you returned the favour. I really wanted to be mature about everything and attempt to be friends but you know what? I couldn't handle it. That's the truth, and at least I'm honest with everyone else and with myself. For once, it's about my feelings and not yours. Nobody wants drama, but buddy, it takes two to tango. So don't even go and play the victim card. You're not the only one.
In the end, she was right when she said that everything was either your way or the highway. So I guess I'm driving away from your selfish ass and never looking back. You don't want to be with me for whatever messed up logic you have? That's cool. I know I can, and will, do better than someone like you. Go find another guy to marry you in ten years.
When you follow your heart and not your brain, you'll always question whether you made the right choice. That's just life; you live and learn through trial and error. But if you always put other people ahead of you, who's going to stand up for yourself?
My ankle injury has taught me one important lesson:
I love coaching.
It's such a different, yet exhilarating experience altogether -- the attachment, the overprotectiveness, the adrenaline rush, the frustration. I honestly need to try twice as hard to keep my emotions in check when I'm behind the bench rather than when I'm on the court.
The biggest challenge I've found so far is eliminating my own personal bias and managing diverse egos. Those that respected me as the best player may not respect me as a coach, and every player reacts differently -- some need to be encouraged, others need tough love. I'm still looking for that balance.
But seriously, Coach Lu has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
I think I wrote my first song in Grade 6 for a music project, and it was about this girl I had a major crush on that I went to school with. I'm definitely not exposing that sorry excuse of a song to the public (ever), but I don't think I ever told the girl though. So Fonda, just want to let you know I was totally into you and that yellow jacket/raincoat you always wore back then (call me? haha).
Anyways, I remember I wrote on sheet music first for the melody, and then put in the lyrics afterwards. Since then, I've never gone back to drawing those stupid notes on the treble clef again, and by the time I was in high school, I had moved on to writing rap verses in my agendas. I still have them and in between sketches of anime characters and stick figures shooting basketballs, I ended up filling all four of them with scribbles of poor rhymes and a lot of swear words. As terrible as some of them sound now, I can still read them and remember the lessons I learned. But somewhere along the line, I fell away from it all and turned to typing instead. Maybe it's because my parents bought me a laptop, or maybe because using a keyboard is a lot faster anyways, but a part of knows it has not been, and is not the same.
Recently, I decided to rediscover the experience of putting an actual pen to paper. It's a lot more challenging than I remember -- a lot messier, a lot harder to change up rhyme schemes or find new words, and probably takes three times longer. But for some reason, it just feels more authentic, and I'd definitely trade that for convenience.
I titled it The Playbook and drew an inbounds play we ran in grade 9 on the inside cover (wow I'm lame). It definitely brings me more of a genuine sense of attachment to what I love to do, and it's much more of an emotional catharsis. With that being said, I have a couple projects I've finished recording and am waiting to film videos for them before I can pump them out on Youtube. The goal is to release them this weekend or by early next week before I surrender my freedom to tax accounting, so keep a lookout. Here's proof:
For now though, I just want to share with you guys this track I came across randomly. I might be a bit slow on this one, especially compared to the hardcore Drizzy fans, but the lyrics completely hit home. I know I've mentioned this before, but there's really no feeling like discovering a song that you can relate to on the truest level. I guess what I went through this summer sometimes happens to the best of us. Not sure yet if that's any consolation, but misery loves company. We all know that.
I don't know what it is, but I seem to be trapped in a downward spiral of bad luck this summer and I just can't seem to catch a break. I sprained my ankle two weeks ago and at the advice of VM, I ordered these ASO ankle braces online and seemingly believed I was invincible with them on. Funnily, the nurse at Scarborough Grace made a remark about how good the brand was when I was registering.. it didn't make me feel better.
So you can probably guess what happened at my team's first practice of the year. I was too hyped and attempted to play my game without being 100% knowing I should have stayed home instead. In the last game (and it's always the last game, damn it), I sprained the same one crashing the boards and some random decided that it would be a good idea to fall on that ankle as well.
Let me be honest. I will never give birth but last night, I definitely screamed like it. I'm pretty sure that ligament tears is one of the worst types of pain in the world -- maybe second to getting sacked between the legs. As expected, everyone in my family seemed to believe that it somehow was my fault and within my control. Thankfully, Duen offered to take me to the ER to get an x-ray and I was able to avoid some of the angst from my parents until I got home afterwards. It made my night slightly more enjoyable to have company with a friend who was the first person to speak to me when I started going to Zion over 9 years ago.
Let me just say that I officially dislike hospitals -- the sterile smell, the long wait times, and the depressed look on everyone's faces like nobody wants to be there. I haven't been to the ER in years, but this time around I was actually scared that there was some sort of fracture or something worse. Luckily, I dodged a bullet and the doctor just told me that there was some significant ligament damage, meaning crutches for a while and that I should probably pace myself better during rehab and make better judgment as to when I can play again. A bonus? I only waited a bit over two hours and got some good conversation in with Duen.
Looking at my disgustingly contorted ankle, I'd say that 4-6 weeks is a pretty fair assessment, but this is coming down to a race against time. I can no longer heal like an 18 year old, but at the same time, the season starts in about a month. Don't get me wrong, I love to coach and would graciously accept the role if I'm still injured, but I love to play more. Plus, it wouldn't exactly make a great impression showing up on my first day of work on crutches, so please pray for a speedy recovery for me.
On a side note, I got up this morning to a sharp pain and just laid there and thought about how I would react to this latest setback, and you know what?I am so damn sick of feeling sorry for myself. Every bad turn this summer has caused me to throw myself a pity party and I'm so tired of sulking. That was never who I was and that will never be who I am. Trust me when I say this -- I'll be back better than ever, you'll see. Come watch opening night and I'll prove to you that;
I don't usually do this, and I won't make this long just in case you guys are going to call me soft or whatever(haha), but I honestly don't know if I would have made it through this summer with everything that happened on my own.
You guys know who you are. When I've made poor decisions, you've given me tough love. When I've fallen, your voices told me I was too good to stay down. When I've been broken, you collected the damage and helped me piece myself back together. And I just wanted to say that I genuinely appreciate all of it -- the company, the talks, the music, ball, and everything else. Since I left high school, I've met new people exponentially, but at the end of the day, it's the people I grew up with that have my back -- before I was the guy with the high GPA or the Deloitte accountant.
..I'm an only child, but sometimes when I'm with my boys; I wonder if that's what having brothers feels like.
There's actually a lot of things I wanted to blog about, but I don't exactly know where, or how, to start. Maybe I'll take the next few days to really just sit down and reflect so I can get my thoughts in order before I begin addressing them.
At the same time, I realized that I've been putting my music on the backburner lately, so while I'm writing new material, here's a quick "remix" I did on Starting Today by Bruno Mars. I noticed that there were a few instrumental breaks on this track so I attempted to fill them in. Here's to hoping I didn't ruin a perfectly good song.
I'm sure there's absolutely no better feeling musically than to hear a song that you can totally relate to. Well, for the most part anyways -- I'd like to think Kanye is more of a douche than I am (hopefully).
