Back to September.

So much has happened this month that the beginning of October seems almost like an eternity ago. I feel like a tornado blew its way through my life but when all is said and done, I'm right back where I started. While there are times when I question if it was all necessary, I know that in some roundabout, full circle kind of way that God probably put me through the storm and in this aftermath for a reason. So I'll take my lessons and never look back. Bring on the future; I'm ready.

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Just some food for thought:

- Sometimes you follow your heart and you realize along the way that everything is a lot more difficult than you anticipated. But nobody said it was easy or that anything is guaranteed, and everyone has doubts. It's up to you to figure out how much effort you're willing to put in to turn all the uncertainty into the reality you want to see in the future. Fight for what you want or let go of what you can't have. And as hard as it is, try to appreciate the journey while you search for the destination.

- It's funny that we call it "the one" but it takes two people to find it.

- Everyone deserves second chances, but it's up to you to want to give it. Trust is hard to come by, and sometimes the damage left behind isn't worth repairing. You can't be the good guy to everyone and still put yourself first.

- When you believe the best in people and have others' best interests at heart, there are bound to be letdowns. Just because you believe in the person they could be doesn't mean you can overlook the person they are. Disappointment comes hand in hand with having faith -- you decide which one is stronger.

- Words are just words. Actions reveal true character. Don't be naive; there are things that people do that can never be taken back.

- Trust your real friends. There will be times when they know what's best for you, even when you don't.

- Bros over hoes don't always apply, so don't expect the impossible.

- If you have the capacity to regret your decisions, it means that you had the capacity to make the right one at the time. Give your best everytime at understanding your choices and their consequences. It'll save you the hassle of always questioning "what if?".

- Sex means different things for different people. Never compromise your values.

- Life is a challenge. Don't give up too easily, don't hang on too long, and don't lose yourself along the way.

Dissecting "The Zone".

Being in the zone is a phenomenon I can't really explain, but if you've ever played competitive basketball and have some semblance of ability, you would've at least had to have brushed it once.

It's sort of abstract -- the game almost slows down to your bidding and you establish the pace for yourself while everyone else follows. Confidence is brimming and you see plays unfold before you make them. It's basically subconscious;

He's playing me deep.. I pull up.
He's trying to get inside my guard.. I attack his strong leg.
Double team's coming.. make the right pass.

When you're in it, rare misses leave no impression, you shoot as if you're on fire, no passes are errant, and defensively you read almost every move. But most of all, you're comfortable. Your mind is blank, yet completely aware in every intricacy around you. You almost hear your own breath above the sneakers and the shouting, and nothing can sway your thoughts from the ball in your hands and the rim in front of you.

I wish I could bottle up that feeling when it comes so that I can recreate it at will, but it's one of those euphoric concepts that can never be grasped. Yet when it does appear, it's always a pleasant surprise. Maybe it's because I have no expectations for it that makes it so overwhelmingly powerful. Isn't that true for all the small things in life? They have the impact to blindside you, make you smile and leave you refreshed.

And for one night, I felt ready to take on the rest of the world.

Here's a TIP.

I'm conflicted.

I love T.I., his style and his music. I think he's got street cred and swag but at the same time he's one of the most articulate, well polished and redemptive artists in hip-hop today. Ever since he was released earlier this year from his sentence on weapons charges, he's been killing tracks, making appearances and seemingly turning his life around. I really root for him to stay atop of the game because he made the most of a second chance that a lot of people don't ever receive.

Well apparently, Tip's going back to jail again, this time for violating his probation by getting busted with five pills of ecstasy in his pants. It's going to cost him another 11 months starting November 1st (more details here).

I mean seriously? For a person who continually speaks about never letting his family down again or allowing his emotions to overcome his intelligence, this was the best he could come up with? Almost another year away from his kids? I'm not one to judge, but I am disappointed. It just goes to show that while people can say all the right things and portray a heroic comeback, it really has no substance if they can't cement their values, true or not, with affirmative action. Someone who keeps making the same mistakes while claiming to have learned and grown is either stupid or an outright liar. And I can't stand those people that plead for second chances and then turn around and waste them.

I remember when I first heard You Ain't Missin' Nothing; it was incredibly moving and easily established itself as one of my favourite tracks from T.I. After this latest setback, I'm still a firm believer in him as an artist and the fact that if he wants to, he can still be the man his kids and his fans need him to be. But at the end of the day, the song and his character have both lost a bit of their allure. As he wrote at the time:

"If you ain't got a plan, what you need with a second chance? Shit, you gon blow it."

Hypocrisy at its finest.

--

Pet Peeves (1).

DISLIKE: when people post up pictures of themselves holding, spreading and/or stacking their money. I mean, really? Can you scream 'I'm-a-douchebag!!!' any louder?

Here's a thought; how about a debit or credit card?

AdiZero.

Okay, I know I just wrote about my new Jordans but this pair is a must-get. Check out the red/black one at Foot Locker -- SICK.

Choices.

I guess the problem has always been that I've tried to distinguish the right decisions as the ones that leave everyone satisfied. There's this innate part of me that wants so badly to answer to everyone and their expectations of and from me.

And maybe that's why I can never seem to get it right; I'm always falling short in this chase for something that doesn't exactly exist. In the end, although I have the best intentions, my actions don't sit well with anyone. It's really no excuse, but I think I need to start prioritizing whose happiness means more to me and realize that I probably don't have the capacity to please everyone like I thought I did. She said this is getting old, but can I really blame her?

I know, if I were her, I wouldn't believe me either.

Fine Lines.

I feel like if I just slowed down to think about this amidst all the uncertainty, I'd come to the conclusion that perhaps my decision and my subsequent actions are completely illogical, emotion-based and wrong.

And maybe a part of me is afraid of actually reaching that conclusion so I just go full steam ahead and not allow myself to second-guess what I'm really doing and why. But every once in a while, I just can't seem to escape the creeping doubt that chases me through my mind when my guard is down, or the voices that try to convince me to overthink and overanalyze every small occurrence as subtlety and nuance. There are days when I look at myself in the mirror and I catch myself questioning my character, intelligence and drive;

Do you call that being wishful or just being naive?

Being strong or just being stupid?

Being determined or just being blind?

God, what am I really doing?

Winning.

59-53.

That was the only thing I saw on the scoreboard before our teammates mobbed each other. I still can't find the right words to describe that feeling of redemption, the triumph of the Davids overcoming the Goliaths. Four years of losing; and I think I almost forgot what it felt like to win. But now that we've brushed it, I'll make sure our team never forgets that.

It was a total team effort, and for once, I didn't feel so alone out there. For the first time in years, I stopped keeping track of how many points I had, but how many points we needed to catch up. Everyone was vocal, everyone fought all the hard battles right by my side, and even though they hacked us and tried to physically wear us down, nobody gave in and nobody was injured. When the buzzer sounded, we were bruised and battered, but we won.

It's funny, when you're losing, you question your purpose, your own abilities, and your own shortcomings. But when you win, all that you think about is if this what having a real team feels like; to have these 15 guys to go war with me every Sunday night, and never having to second guess if everyone is in it for the right reasons and the right desires.

Those that believe winning isn't the pinnacle of importance with this game, it's because they are willing to settle for less, and I'm glad we have none of those players on this year's team. Don't get it twisted;

..winning is everything.

Gametime (1).

I'm excited and I can't shake this feeling of anticipation. My team's season opener is tomorrow night at 7pm and we're going against the league champs, RHCBC (who blew us out by 60 points last season), and while I know we'll probably end up on the losing side, I can't help but feel challenged.

My ankle's still only about 75%, but I don't really have any more time to stall, and I'm fine with that. I've been rocking this new pair of Jordans Clem got me last summer (so sick), and with the ASOs and the Mo-recommended crew socks, I guess it's so far so good. I'm hoping not to have to compensate or have to compromise my game over some stupid injury. It's been a long six months, but I'm glad the offseason is finally over.

The best part of it is that when I'm on the hardwood, nothing else matters. I don't have the capacity or the desire to critically analyze all the complications that has been building up smoke in my life. Basketball is much simpler than that. It's just me, the rim, and the person who thinks he can stop me. Tomorrow night, we'll see if he really can. Come out and support the ZAC Flames if you guys have time, God knows we could use a few fans (haha).

--
Basketball is just like photography. If you don't focus, all you'll have is the negative.

Conversation (2).

Me: I could use a drama-free lifestyle for a while.

AN: Man that's just how it is. When I was in that boat I hated it.

Me: I don't think you'd ever put yourself in my position, but how would you deal with it?

AN: I wouldn't be able to deal with it truthfully. I would just walk away from it all. I would just leave that life.

--
Does the past dictate who we are and who we will be? I never used to believe that, but this time I catch myself second-guessing.

Listen.

It's been a whirlwind last few weeks filled with mistakes and mixed emotions, and so while my friends are either at Syracuse, the Fairhaven Retreat, or family events, I got a chance to revisit the place I always end up drawn to during difficult times.

This place is my sanctuary, and I almost forgot what it felt like to put up shots on a beautiful day, accompanied by the steady sound of dribbling or the occasional stroke of the mesh. It was just me, my demons, and an 18-inch rim. I felt alone, exposed and vulnerable, but I felt real. And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I recognized the man who was taking jumpshot after jumpshot, and who he wanted himself to become.

I've always looked at others and played traffic light with their lives so much that somewhere along the line, my own started coming off the rails without me realizing it. But you know, it's kind of funny how having an orange ball in my hands can be so cathartic, and what I couldn't come to terms with lying awake in my bed, I could on cracked pavement and between bright yellow lines. We always say we aren't satisfied with standing still while the rest of the world is moving, so maybe it's about time I filled my life and my empty words with the very thing I'm afraid of -- change.

..and I wonder if God knows that outside of church, this is probably the place I listen for Him the most.

--

Side note: I believed in you when nobody else did, and I would've gone up to bat for you, but really? You're on your own on this one.

Keep Your Head Up (4).

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

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PIN: 2310C51B

Conversation (1).

AL: Like I said, it's a bad foundation already, like it was built with sand. I don't know what you were hoping for, but I can honestly say it was the wrong way to go since day one.

Me: Maybe I should stop being so serious and chasing commitment and just fool around.

AL: I've never really liked the "whatever I can get" mentality, but that's just me. You decide for yourself what you want.

Me: I'm always looking for something serious but other parties never want the same things.

AL: Then just be patient until the right one comes along. Be a rock, don't be a straw in the field that goes wherever the wind blows it.

Me: You have to admit that being a rock has brought me a ton of drama. Sometimes I just want to take the easy way out. It sounds dumb but calling every bad experience a lesson is kind of sad.

AL: Then bring on the drama until you find the right one.

--

I never thought I would be that guy, but what is important is that I made peace with myself and the person I care about for what I've done, and now I can finally start sorting out how I really feel. Despite everything, I know the people we were back then are still there somewhere; we just have to look for them at our own pace.

It was an experience.

Keep Your Head Up (3).

But you know women lie.
--
Maybe I deserved that.

Keep Your Head Up (2).

If you look too closely at a locked door, you'll miss the new ones that are opening.

Keep Your Head Up (1).

I still remember promising myself when I was seven and we were living in that tiny apartment in Scarborough that when I grew up, my family would never be poor again. That's why sitting in that parking lot on the first day, all that was running through my head was;

I've made it, and now I won't let anything get in the way.

--

Yes, that's a jitz table in our lunchroom. No, the coffee machine isn't that good (it just looks cool). And yes, that last picture is my new girlfriend. She's quite big, and I'll probably spend a lot of time with her the next few months.

--

Anyways, it's already been two weeks (feels like two months), and I've done a lot of growing up. I'm still learning everyday what it means to be an adult and while I've made my share of mistakes, for now there's no sense in second-guessing myself over petty things. I'm an only child, and therefore I know I'm carrying both the dreams of me and my family on my shoulders everyday. I won't let them down, especially when success is within my fingertips. So excuse me while I look ahead, my career is waiting.