Never Look Back.

If I were to ever get a tattoo, I would ask for a Never Look Back between my shoulder blades. For me, it's symbolic in so many ways.

I'd get it and consequently not be able to see it on my back, but it will still serve as a constant reminder of my biggest weakness;

..dwelling on the past and not letting go.

Wayback Playback (1).

Toss up between these three for my favourite duets (in no particular order). Here's to a walk down memory lane.

--

Didn't these two look amazing together? A good reminder that some things were never meant to last.

--

I remember Ashley was the one that showed me this song back in Grade 10 -- talk about puppy love. Even as I get older, I never fail to appreciate some of the classics.

--

Ricky Martin is now openly gay, and Christina Aguilera used to be smokin' hot. Gotta love the 90s.

Real Talk (1).

..and even when you get on my last nerve, I couldn't see myself being with another girl.

G.I.J.I.

..who am I competing against anyways?

The Little Things.

Lately the days have been a little tough on me and the nights have followed suit -- I guess I'm starting to feel the wear and tear of my choices in life. Woke up today feeling pretty bummed out, but received a pleasant surprise when I got to Angus:

Apparently there's this indoor playground set up at the gym there, and I took a good 15 minutes just to watch the cute little kids scramble around with their parents and having fun. I must admit, it was a pretty good way to start my day.

My kid is definitely going to one of these.

Motivation?

"No studying, no talking to me. And that's just how it is."

Well played, and pretty much what I needed.

Of Long and Winding Roads.

I would be lying if I said I'm not a bit overwhelmed when I look at us and the road ahead. The truth is, I'm just as afraid.

But all I know is that you're with me now, and while I wish I could promise you the world, all I can give is this;

..I will wait, and I will walk with you.

Keep Your Head Up (5).

I'm blessed to have great friends who at times put my best interests ahead of their own. I know I'm selfish, irrational and stubborn, but you live with my flaws all the same. To those that deserve it;

thanks.

--
You're not a fool if you make mistakes, but you are one if you refuse to learn from them. I guess I have a lot of learning to do, so here goes nothing.

Can't Be Friends.

I know guys, it's been a while but..

..YOUR BOY IS BACK. (haha tell a friend?)

As I predicted, work has completely engulfed my energy and my time, but I finally managed to get this track out after a long delay. I wrote the verses for this one back in early September when I first heard the Trey Songz original. It's heartfelt, personal, raw and most of all, it's real.

Hope you guys enjoy it. Not sure how often I'll be able to release my music now, but AVMusicProductions has a couple of projects on the go, so keep your eyes and ears open.

--

Resolution.

Have you ever met someone that makes you want to strive to be the best man you can be?

No matter the history, they place so much faith in the person you'll become despite all your flaws that no matter what, you at least owe them an honest effort to fulfill your potential and better yourself -- even amidst beautifully bittersweet goodbyes.

I know there's no way I'll be able to pinpoint the exact moment where her influence began to permeate into my life, but when I look back a few years from now, I hope I'll be able to witness the changes that I rightfully chose because of it even if she's not around for the journey. And I hope that by then, I'll be able to understand and be more than just traces of the man she believed in and saw in me.

Thank you.

--

Back to September.

So much has happened this month that the beginning of October seems almost like an eternity ago. I feel like a tornado blew its way through my life but when all is said and done, I'm right back where I started. While there are times when I question if it was all necessary, I know that in some roundabout, full circle kind of way that God probably put me through the storm and in this aftermath for a reason. So I'll take my lessons and never look back. Bring on the future; I'm ready.

--
Just some food for thought:

- Sometimes you follow your heart and you realize along the way that everything is a lot more difficult than you anticipated. But nobody said it was easy or that anything is guaranteed, and everyone has doubts. It's up to you to figure out how much effort you're willing to put in to turn all the uncertainty into the reality you want to see in the future. Fight for what you want or let go of what you can't have. And as hard as it is, try to appreciate the journey while you search for the destination.

- It's funny that we call it "the one" but it takes two people to find it.

- Everyone deserves second chances, but it's up to you to want to give it. Trust is hard to come by, and sometimes the damage left behind isn't worth repairing. You can't be the good guy to everyone and still put yourself first.

- When you believe the best in people and have others' best interests at heart, there are bound to be letdowns. Just because you believe in the person they could be doesn't mean you can overlook the person they are. Disappointment comes hand in hand with having faith -- you decide which one is stronger.

- Words are just words. Actions reveal true character. Don't be naive; there are things that people do that can never be taken back.

- Trust your real friends. There will be times when they know what's best for you, even when you don't.

- Bros over hoes don't always apply, so don't expect the impossible.

- If you have the capacity to regret your decisions, it means that you had the capacity to make the right one at the time. Give your best everytime at understanding your choices and their consequences. It'll save you the hassle of always questioning "what if?".

- Sex means different things for different people. Never compromise your values.

- Life is a challenge. Don't give up too easily, don't hang on too long, and don't lose yourself along the way.

Dissecting "The Zone".

Being in the zone is a phenomenon I can't really explain, but if you've ever played competitive basketball and have some semblance of ability, you would've at least had to have brushed it once.

It's sort of abstract -- the game almost slows down to your bidding and you establish the pace for yourself while everyone else follows. Confidence is brimming and you see plays unfold before you make them. It's basically subconscious;

He's playing me deep.. I pull up.
He's trying to get inside my guard.. I attack his strong leg.
Double team's coming.. make the right pass.

When you're in it, rare misses leave no impression, you shoot as if you're on fire, no passes are errant, and defensively you read almost every move. But most of all, you're comfortable. Your mind is blank, yet completely aware in every intricacy around you. You almost hear your own breath above the sneakers and the shouting, and nothing can sway your thoughts from the ball in your hands and the rim in front of you.

I wish I could bottle up that feeling when it comes so that I can recreate it at will, but it's one of those euphoric concepts that can never be grasped. Yet when it does appear, it's always a pleasant surprise. Maybe it's because I have no expectations for it that makes it so overwhelmingly powerful. Isn't that true for all the small things in life? They have the impact to blindside you, make you smile and leave you refreshed.

And for one night, I felt ready to take on the rest of the world.

Here's a TIP.

I'm conflicted.

I love T.I., his style and his music. I think he's got street cred and swag but at the same time he's one of the most articulate, well polished and redemptive artists in hip-hop today. Ever since he was released earlier this year from his sentence on weapons charges, he's been killing tracks, making appearances and seemingly turning his life around. I really root for him to stay atop of the game because he made the most of a second chance that a lot of people don't ever receive.

Well apparently, Tip's going back to jail again, this time for violating his probation by getting busted with five pills of ecstasy in his pants. It's going to cost him another 11 months starting November 1st (more details here).

I mean seriously? For a person who continually speaks about never letting his family down again or allowing his emotions to overcome his intelligence, this was the best he could come up with? Almost another year away from his kids? I'm not one to judge, but I am disappointed. It just goes to show that while people can say all the right things and portray a heroic comeback, it really has no substance if they can't cement their values, true or not, with affirmative action. Someone who keeps making the same mistakes while claiming to have learned and grown is either stupid or an outright liar. And I can't stand those people that plead for second chances and then turn around and waste them.

I remember when I first heard You Ain't Missin' Nothing; it was incredibly moving and easily established itself as one of my favourite tracks from T.I. After this latest setback, I'm still a firm believer in him as an artist and the fact that if he wants to, he can still be the man his kids and his fans need him to be. But at the end of the day, the song and his character have both lost a bit of their allure. As he wrote at the time:

"If you ain't got a plan, what you need with a second chance? Shit, you gon blow it."

Hypocrisy at its finest.

--

Pet Peeves (1).

DISLIKE: when people post up pictures of themselves holding, spreading and/or stacking their money. I mean, really? Can you scream 'I'm-a-douchebag!!!' any louder?

Here's a thought; how about a debit or credit card?

AdiZero.

Okay, I know I just wrote about my new Jordans but this pair is a must-get. Check out the red/black one at Foot Locker -- SICK.

Choices.

I guess the problem has always been that I've tried to distinguish the right decisions as the ones that leave everyone satisfied. There's this innate part of me that wants so badly to answer to everyone and their expectations of and from me.

And maybe that's why I can never seem to get it right; I'm always falling short in this chase for something that doesn't exactly exist. In the end, although I have the best intentions, my actions don't sit well with anyone. It's really no excuse, but I think I need to start prioritizing whose happiness means more to me and realize that I probably don't have the capacity to please everyone like I thought I did. She said this is getting old, but can I really blame her?

I know, if I were her, I wouldn't believe me either.

Fine Lines.

I feel like if I just slowed down to think about this amidst all the uncertainty, I'd come to the conclusion that perhaps my decision and my subsequent actions are completely illogical, emotion-based and wrong.

And maybe a part of me is afraid of actually reaching that conclusion so I just go full steam ahead and not allow myself to second-guess what I'm really doing and why. But every once in a while, I just can't seem to escape the creeping doubt that chases me through my mind when my guard is down, or the voices that try to convince me to overthink and overanalyze every small occurrence as subtlety and nuance. There are days when I look at myself in the mirror and I catch myself questioning my character, intelligence and drive;

Do you call that being wishful or just being naive?

Being strong or just being stupid?

Being determined or just being blind?

God, what am I really doing?

Winning.

59-53.

That was the only thing I saw on the scoreboard before our teammates mobbed each other. I still can't find the right words to describe that feeling of redemption, the triumph of the Davids overcoming the Goliaths. Four years of losing; and I think I almost forgot what it felt like to win. But now that we've brushed it, I'll make sure our team never forgets that.

It was a total team effort, and for once, I didn't feel so alone out there. For the first time in years, I stopped keeping track of how many points I had, but how many points we needed to catch up. Everyone was vocal, everyone fought all the hard battles right by my side, and even though they hacked us and tried to physically wear us down, nobody gave in and nobody was injured. When the buzzer sounded, we were bruised and battered, but we won.

It's funny, when you're losing, you question your purpose, your own abilities, and your own shortcomings. But when you win, all that you think about is if this what having a real team feels like; to have these 15 guys to go war with me every Sunday night, and never having to second guess if everyone is in it for the right reasons and the right desires.

Those that believe winning isn't the pinnacle of importance with this game, it's because they are willing to settle for less, and I'm glad we have none of those players on this year's team. Don't get it twisted;

..winning is everything.

Gametime (1).

I'm excited and I can't shake this feeling of anticipation. My team's season opener is tomorrow night at 7pm and we're going against the league champs, RHCBC (who blew us out by 60 points last season), and while I know we'll probably end up on the losing side, I can't help but feel challenged.

My ankle's still only about 75%, but I don't really have any more time to stall, and I'm fine with that. I've been rocking this new pair of Jordans Clem got me last summer (so sick), and with the ASOs and the Mo-recommended crew socks, I guess it's so far so good. I'm hoping not to have to compensate or have to compromise my game over some stupid injury. It's been a long six months, but I'm glad the offseason is finally over.

The best part of it is that when I'm on the hardwood, nothing else matters. I don't have the capacity or the desire to critically analyze all the complications that has been building up smoke in my life. Basketball is much simpler than that. It's just me, the rim, and the person who thinks he can stop me. Tomorrow night, we'll see if he really can. Come out and support the ZAC Flames if you guys have time, God knows we could use a few fans (haha).

--
Basketball is just like photography. If you don't focus, all you'll have is the negative.

Conversation (2).

Me: I could use a drama-free lifestyle for a while.

AN: Man that's just how it is. When I was in that boat I hated it.

Me: I don't think you'd ever put yourself in my position, but how would you deal with it?

AN: I wouldn't be able to deal with it truthfully. I would just walk away from it all. I would just leave that life.

--
Does the past dictate who we are and who we will be? I never used to believe that, but this time I catch myself second-guessing.

Listen.

It's been a whirlwind last few weeks filled with mistakes and mixed emotions, and so while my friends are either at Syracuse, the Fairhaven Retreat, or family events, I got a chance to revisit the place I always end up drawn to during difficult times.

This place is my sanctuary, and I almost forgot what it felt like to put up shots on a beautiful day, accompanied by the steady sound of dribbling or the occasional stroke of the mesh. It was just me, my demons, and an 18-inch rim. I felt alone, exposed and vulnerable, but I felt real. And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I recognized the man who was taking jumpshot after jumpshot, and who he wanted himself to become.

I've always looked at others and played traffic light with their lives so much that somewhere along the line, my own started coming off the rails without me realizing it. But you know, it's kind of funny how having an orange ball in my hands can be so cathartic, and what I couldn't come to terms with lying awake in my bed, I could on cracked pavement and between bright yellow lines. We always say we aren't satisfied with standing still while the rest of the world is moving, so maybe it's about time I filled my life and my empty words with the very thing I'm afraid of -- change.

..and I wonder if God knows that outside of church, this is probably the place I listen for Him the most.

--

Side note: I believed in you when nobody else did, and I would've gone up to bat for you, but really? You're on your own on this one.

Keep Your Head Up (4).

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

--

PIN: 2310C51B

Conversation (1).

AL: Like I said, it's a bad foundation already, like it was built with sand. I don't know what you were hoping for, but I can honestly say it was the wrong way to go since day one.

Me: Maybe I should stop being so serious and chasing commitment and just fool around.

AL: I've never really liked the "whatever I can get" mentality, but that's just me. You decide for yourself what you want.

Me: I'm always looking for something serious but other parties never want the same things.

AL: Then just be patient until the right one comes along. Be a rock, don't be a straw in the field that goes wherever the wind blows it.

Me: You have to admit that being a rock has brought me a ton of drama. Sometimes I just want to take the easy way out. It sounds dumb but calling every bad experience a lesson is kind of sad.

AL: Then bring on the drama until you find the right one.

--

I never thought I would be that guy, but what is important is that I made peace with myself and the person I care about for what I've done, and now I can finally start sorting out how I really feel. Despite everything, I know the people we were back then are still there somewhere; we just have to look for them at our own pace.

It was an experience.

Keep Your Head Up (3).

But you know women lie.
--
Maybe I deserved that.

Keep Your Head Up (2).

If you look too closely at a locked door, you'll miss the new ones that are opening.

Keep Your Head Up (1).

I still remember promising myself when I was seven and we were living in that tiny apartment in Scarborough that when I grew up, my family would never be poor again. That's why sitting in that parking lot on the first day, all that was running through my head was;

I've made it, and now I won't let anything get in the way.

--

Yes, that's a jitz table in our lunchroom. No, the coffee machine isn't that good (it just looks cool). And yes, that last picture is my new girlfriend. She's quite big, and I'll probably spend a lot of time with her the next few months.

--

Anyways, it's already been two weeks (feels like two months), and I've done a lot of growing up. I'm still learning everyday what it means to be an adult and while I've made my share of mistakes, for now there's no sense in second-guessing myself over petty things. I'm an only child, and therefore I know I'm carrying both the dreams of me and my family on my shoulders everyday. I won't let them down, especially when success is within my fingertips. So excuse me while I look ahead, my career is waiting.

The Aftermath.

When the anger dissipates, all that's left to do is to examine the aftermath and try to pick up the pieces. And when I actually stop to look at the damage, I realize that the stronger you feel for someone and the closer you get, the harder the fallout ends up being. We burned so brightly together, and we flamed out just as quick when the breeze came.

I don't want to finger point or argue anymore. What's the point? We both yelled, texted and blogged all that we had to say and more. We guilt tripped, we took personal shots and we ended up showing off the worst of us. I guess I just find it tragic that we would spend so much time and effort into letting someone in, and then we'd go and sabotage our own happiness because we're afraid of the very thing we want. And it's disappointing to know that what was once so right and true now leave us as strangers that can't even care about one another without hurting each other.

Deep down, we want to try so hard to find the right words and do the right things for us but without realizing it, all we do now is try to cause as much pain and bitterness to each other as we feel ourselves. And that kind of fallout is just sad. Maybe it was necessary for us to move on, maybe it's a part of life, and maybe one day we might even look back and accept the people we were and the decisions we made, but it's still sad. No time in the world will change that.

Deuces.

I slept on it, and now I'll write my closing remarks. I won't make this long because I don't think at this point you deserve too much of my time. Let me make this clear, everything was just a long time coming. It wasn't just about this one incident, and there's no point in debating who's right or who's wrong. I did this for me and myself alone. I was tired of being your doormat and letting you walk all over me. Having baggage is no excuse for how you made me feel terrible about myself all summer. You have your issues and maybe I wasn't prepared for what I got myself into but I know I deserved better. And all those times you said you were sorry and I wanted so badly to forgive you? I didn't. I never did and maybe I never will. You can live with that.

In my mind, I have this image of the girl I believed you were. The truth is, you haven't been that person for a long time now. You know how I treated you, and you know how you returned the favour. I really wanted to be mature about everything and attempt to be friends but you know what? I couldn't handle it. That's the truth, and at least I'm honest with everyone else and with myself. For once, it's about my feelings and not yours. Nobody wants drama, but buddy, it takes two to tango. So don't even go and play the victim card. You're not the only one.

In the end, she was right when she said that everything was either your way or the highway. So I guess I'm driving away from your selfish ass and never looking back. You don't want to be with me for whatever messed up logic you have? That's cool. I know I can, and will, do better than someone like you. Go find another guy to marry you in ten years.

PEACE.

Decisions.

When you follow your heart and not your brain, you'll always question whether you made the right choice. That's just life; you live and learn through trial and error. But if you always put other people ahead of you, who's going to stand up for yourself?

For once, I don't feel anything at all.

Blessing in Disguise.

My ankle injury has taught me one important lesson:

I love coaching.

It's such a different, yet exhilarating experience altogether -- the attachment, the overprotectiveness, the adrenaline rush, the frustration. I honestly need to try twice as hard to keep my emotions in check when I'm behind the bench rather than when I'm on the court.

The biggest challenge I've found so far is eliminating my own personal bias and managing diverse egos. Those that respected me as the best player may not respect me as a coach, and every player reacts differently -- some need to be encouraged, others need tough love. I'm still looking for that balance.

But seriously, Coach Lu has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

Rhyme & Reason.

I think I wrote my first song in Grade 6 for a music project, and it was about this girl I had a major crush on that I went to school with. I'm definitely not exposing that sorry excuse of a song to the public (ever), but I don't think I ever told the girl though. So Fonda, just want to let you know I was totally into you and that yellow jacket/raincoat you always wore back then (call me? haha).

Anyways, I remember I wrote on sheet music first for the melody, and then put in the lyrics afterwards. Since then, I've never gone back to drawing those stupid notes on the treble clef again, and by the time I was in high school, I had moved on to writing rap verses in my agendas. I still have them and in between sketches of anime characters and stick figures shooting basketballs, I ended up filling all four of them with scribbles of poor rhymes and a lot of swear words. As terrible as some of them sound now, I can still read them and remember the lessons I learned. But somewhere along the line, I fell away from it all and turned to typing instead. Maybe it's because my parents bought me a laptop, or maybe because using a keyboard is a lot faster anyways, but a part of knows it has not been, and is not the same.

Recently, I decided to rediscover the experience of putting an actual pen to paper. It's a lot more challenging than I remember -- a lot messier, a lot harder to change up rhyme schemes or find new words, and probably takes three times longer. But for some reason, it just feels more authentic, and I'd definitely trade that for convenience.

I titled it The Playbook and drew an inbounds play we ran in grade 9 on the inside cover (wow I'm lame). It definitely brings me more of a genuine sense of attachment to what I love to do, and it's much more of an emotional catharsis. With that being said, I have a couple projects I've finished recording and am waiting to film videos for them before I can pump them out on Youtube. The goal is to release them this weekend or by early next week before I surrender my freedom to tax accounting, so keep a lookout. Here's proof:

For now though, I just want to share with you guys this track I came across randomly. I might be a bit slow on this one, especially compared to the hardcore Drizzy fans, but the lyrics completely hit home. I know I've mentioned this before, but there's really no feeling like discovering a song that you can relate to on the truest level. I guess what I went through this summer sometimes happens to the best of us. Not sure yet if that's any consolation, but misery loves company. We all know that.

Guilty Pleasure.

LIKE: ricky, amy, jack, george
DISLIKE: ashley, ben, madison, lauren
ON THE FENCE: grace, adrienne
NOT MENTIONED: don't care

..alright, I'm caught red-handed, but for some reason, this show really gets me. Just keep it a secret (haha I'm clever, I know).

Rehab.

I don't know what it is, but I seem to be trapped in a downward spiral of bad luck this summer and I just can't seem to catch a break. I sprained my ankle two weeks ago and at the advice of VM, I ordered these ASO ankle braces online and seemingly believed I was invincible with them on. Funnily, the nurse at Scarborough Grace made a remark about how good the brand was when I was registering.. it didn't make me feel better.

So you can probably guess what happened at my team's first practice of the year. I was too hyped and attempted to play my game without being 100% knowing I should have stayed home instead. In the last game (and it's always the last game, damn it), I sprained the same one crashing the boards and some random decided that it would be a good idea to fall on that ankle as well.

Let me be honest. I will never give birth but last night, I definitely screamed like it. I'm pretty sure that ligament tears is one of the worst types of pain in the world -- maybe second to getting sacked between the legs. As expected, everyone in my family seemed to believe that it somehow was my fault and within my control. Thankfully, Duen offered to take me to the ER to get an x-ray and I was able to avoid some of the angst from my parents until I got home afterwards. It made my night slightly more enjoyable to have company with a friend who was the first person to speak to me when I started going to Zion over 9 years ago.

Let me just say that I officially dislike hospitals -- the sterile smell, the long wait times, and the depressed look on everyone's faces like nobody wants to be there. I haven't been to the ER in years, but this time around I was actually scared that there was some sort of fracture or something worse. Luckily, I dodged a bullet and the doctor just told me that there was some significant ligament damage, meaning crutches for a while and that I should probably pace myself better during rehab and make better judgment as to when I can play again. A bonus? I only waited a bit over two hours and got some good conversation in with Duen.

Looking at my disgustingly contorted ankle, I'd say that 4-6 weeks is a pretty fair assessment, but this is coming down to a race against time. I can no longer heal like an 18 year old, but at the same time, the season starts in about a month. Don't get me wrong, I love to coach and would graciously accept the role if I'm still injured, but I love to play more. Plus, it wouldn't exactly make a great impression showing up on my first day of work on crutches, so please pray for a speedy recovery for me.

On a side note, I got up this morning to a sharp pain and just laid there and thought about how I would react to this latest setback, and you know what? I am so damn sick of feeling sorry for myself. Every bad turn this summer has caused me to throw myself a pity party and I'm so tired of sulking. That was never who I was and that will never be who I am. Trust me when I say this -- I'll be back better than ever, you'll see. Come watch opening night and I'll prove to you that;

a setback is just a setup for a comeback.

--
For now, this will do for motivation.

Brothers.

I don't usually do this, and I won't make this long just in case you guys are going to call me soft or whatever (haha), but I honestly don't know if I would have made it through this summer with everything that happened on my own.

You guys know who you are. When I've made poor decisions, you've given me tough love. When I've fallen, your voices told me I was too good to stay down. When I've been broken, you collected the damage and helped me piece myself back together. And I just wanted to say that I genuinely appreciate all of it -- the company, the talks, the music, ball, and everything else. Since I left high school, I've met new people exponentially, but at the end of the day, it's the people I grew up with that have my back -- before I was the guy with the high GPA or the Deloitte accountant.

..I'm an only child, but sometimes when I'm with my boys;
I wonder if that's what having brothers feels like.

--

On a side note; this is real inspiration.

Starting Today.

There's actually a lot of things I wanted to blog about, but I don't exactly know where, or how, to start. Maybe I'll take the next few days to really just sit down and reflect so I can get my thoughts in order before I begin addressing them.

At the same time, I realized that I've been putting my music on the backburner lately, so while I'm writing new material, here's a quick "remix" I did on Starting Today by Bruno Mars. I noticed that there were a few instrumental breaks on this track so I attempted to fill them in. Here's to hoping I didn't ruin a perfectly good song.

Cut Me Like Surgery.

Bittersweet - Kanye West ft. John Mayer

I'm sure there's absolutely no better feeling musically than to hear a song that you can totally relate to. Well, for the most part anyways -- I'd like to think Kanye is more of a douche than I am (hopefully).

Real Recognize Real?

I'm sure everyone has heard "Right Above It" by now, and like a lot of you guys, I think it's a true pump up song. Beat is sick, Wayne doesn't overdo his little whiny voice, and Drake absolutely destroys his verse.



The choice to release this specific track as Wayne's "comeback from jail" hiatus was a good one, but there's only one issue I have with this song, and it doesn't have anything to do with Weezy. I was surfing Youtube at work the other day (let's hope my manager doesn't read this), and stumbled across this video that was uploaded over two months ago.



Sound familiar? Don't get me wrong, I'm a big Drizzy fan but really? You took a prewritten verse (who knows if he has a ghostwriter) and played it off as a "freestyle".. and still messed up? I'm pretty disappointed actually -- this coupled with his BlackBerry incident has knocked him down a few notches in my books. Nobody doubts Drake's talent, but I'm just skeptical of his integrity.

I think what makes a good rapper is a consistent flow and the ability to address real issues in a clever way. Nowhere does it say you have to be adept at freestyling, so the way I see it, if you can't do it well, just admit you can't. Don't go around selling yourself beyond your capabilities. Over the years, many industry legends like Em and Nas have been heralded for that gift, but it does not mean every other rapper has to pretend they can match up similarly -- they can't.

Maybe it's the crappy mood from my ankle talking, but I guess I just didn't appreciate the fact that Drake really thought nobody would notice. So yes, we may live in the same building, but we really do have different views.

Love The Way You Lie.

Everyone knows Em killed this track, so I was initially hesitant to release my cover of it. I actually wrote the verses for this song in late June when I was in a pretty dark place, and I guess even now, I'm still treading water there. It's kind of funny that in hindsight, the song is even more applicable in light of the truth. That's why I'm glad I got around to finishing it -- everyone deals with heartbreak and emotional trials in their own ways and at their own pace, but there comes a point where we just have to face the finality of the ending without lying to ourselves.

I have to thank Carmen for her amazing voice and her cheesy video editing skills. I hope you guys enjoy this one; it's probably my most meaningful cover yet.

Side note: I can't believe that the perfect ending to this crappy summer has me on motherfreakin' crutches.. great.

Turn The Page.

There's a good scene from (500) Days of Summer where, after Summer leaves Tom, he decides to visit his sister at her soccer game and she offers him this quote;

"Look, I know you think she was the one, but I don't. Now, I think you're just remembering the good stuff. Next time you look back, I really think you should look again."

--

Now that the writing's on the wall, it's easy to think of her as the girl who strung me along for six months, then left me hanging for two more before throwing me away. It's not hard to point out the fact that she never wanted to commit to me, or how quickly her feelings changed about what we had and what we could have been, or how she's heartless enough to just up and leave when the going got tough.

But as much as I hated it when she put the blame on timing and used the "it just wasn't meant to be" excuse without ever giving us a chance to be anything, I just can't find it in myself to be angry with her. I'm disappointed, but I keep questioning, how much of it was my fault that things turned out the way it did?

Let's be honest, I chose to put myself in a position that would lead to me getting hurt in the end. I was the one that kept pursuing every time she wouldn't commit to "us" even though I could have, and maybe should have, walked away much earlier. I was the one that let her dictate the terms of the relationship so that it made it possible for her to walk out and then walk back in whenever she felt appropriate because while she had me on the backburner, I would literally drop everything and make her a priority. At the end of the day, her actions easily outweighed her words, but I ignored all those warning signs and blindly held onto something that had already left without moving on myself because I naively believed that the strength of my feelings alone could overcome whatever challenges and issues we were facing. I guess I chose to overlook the most important fact -- that falling in love takes two hearts, not one.

--

There's really no benefit in rehashing the past over and over again now that the chapter is closing. The wound is still fresh, so this will probably be the last time I address this. Live life with no regrets; I gave it my best and I can live with that. I guess I could react hatefully and bitch and whine like a 16 year old, but really, what's the point? Playing the blame game won't change a thing; it was on me as much as it was on her -- and by now she's probably long gone anyways. Next time, I'll just be sure not to be caught with my head down again.

Look, in the end, I just wanted to genuinely wish you all the best in teacher's college and whatever you choose to do in the future. I know you'll be great, and I hope someday, when you're ready, you'll find someone who can give you what I never could.


Who Is - Bruno Mars

Nothin' On You.

So about half a year ago, I wrote a couple verses to B.O.B.'s now overplayed "Nothin' On You" and showed it to a couple of friends in my Japanese tutorial. Apparently, they were interested in a collaboration at the time, but of course, life had to get in the way.

We finally ended up finishing this project (my first official Youtube collaboration with other artists), and even though I might not be in the same mindset as I was when I penned the song, the lyrics still bring back some good memories, and I'm sure you guys can relate. Andy took care of the Bruno Mars vocals and Ken added a bit of his flavour to the end. As usual, I hope you guys enjoy our rendition!

Don't Waste Your Breath.

For those that don't know, I'm not a morning person. I'm pretty grumpy when I wake up -- partly because I know I have horrible bedhead and partly because I have a genuine disdain for that wave of exhaustion you're hit by when you first open your eyes.

The first thing I felt this morning were back spasms (probably from those back to back games). The second was a shooting pain from my left buttcheek when I sat up (probably from all those times I landed on it). The third was a stinging soreness in my left elbow when I reached for my glasses (probably from when I got hacked on that play). The fourth was a dull soreness in my right ankle (probably my body telling me I overdid it). Couple all that with the fact that I had to force myself awake at 8:45am to go in for work and you'd think I would be in a terrible mood right?

Actually, even though I was bruised and battered, I felt pretty accomplished. I went head to head with a level of competition I hadn't played against in God knows how long and I held my own. Granted, I didn't come out unscathed, but neither did they. I knew going into that tournament that I was going to put up a fight no matter what -- I came out of it knowing that I was definitely good enough to keep up. That reward alone is enough reason not to be weary of the bumps and scrapes along the way. I remember when I was younger, I was somewhat of a hothead, and I always let my emotions get the best of me on the court. I reacted negatively too often to trash talking or dirty fouls with no regard for the game, the situation, my teammates or those that were watching. Eventually though, I realized that I'd rather have wins than technicals and I'd rather contribute to the team than be ejected. That's why it was so important to me yesterday to remember that;

When they ran their mouths,
..it was because they were afraid.
When they couldn't say anything,
..it was because they understood I was better.
And when they fouled me hard,
..it was because they knew they couldn't stop me.

So why should I be upset at all?
I'm just flattered.

--

Sometimes in life the truth becomes buried under layers of complications and circumstances. As cliched as it sounds, when we are unsure of what to trust, we should always remind ourselves;

..actions speak louder than words.

Don't hold steadfast to pretty promises and empty conversations; we have them too often to be meaningful and what we say is as fleeting as the weather. What defines a person's true emotions and desires is what they do and how they do it, so why don't we let the actions do the talking instead?

Peace.

One of the benefits of having time to yourself is that you get a chance for self-reflection. As much as solitude is associated with negative connotations, I think perhaps it is often underrated. I know, I used to believe it sounded like cliched "loser-talk" too, but lately I've been questioning whether being pathetic and being at peace is just a fine line of mirrored perception.

I will admit that regardless of what everyone else thinks, I've rediscovered the beauty of being able to sit on my porch on a bright, sunny afternoon with a novel in my hands and a Diet Pepsi at my feet. Time seems at a standstill, and I can't exactly describe the feeling of tranquility and quietness that I've been ignoring in the pace of my daily attempts at searching for the all that is missing in my life. Perhaps it is during those moments that God is trying to speak to us, but we are often talking too loud to listen.

I was making my way through a great read -- My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult, and while many may question my choice in literature (especially since I read The Last Song last week), this one honestly has a lot of complex interdependencies and food for thought to digest. I won't go into detail and ruin the book for you guys, but there's a quote I want to share that I found to be true and tragic at the same time;

"I wondered what happened when you offered yourself to someone, and they opened you, only to discover you were not the gift they expected and they had to smile and nod and say thank you all the same."

Bittersweet.

Vic, do you understand?
Do I even have a choice?
--

Debut: AVMusicProductions

Finally! Ambrose and I launched our collaborative channel, AVMusicProductions! Please check us out and support us by commenting and subscribing if you enjoy our music. While we can attribute the delay to the harsh realities of life, we tried to find redemption by releasing dual singles. You know what they say, two is better than one, right?
--
Fading

We wrote Fading sometime late in 2009 and recorded it before Christmas. It's a spinoff of Fort Minor's "Where'd You Go?" and is generally the type of music Ambrose and I enjoy writing for. It's based loosely about our challenges with our relationships at the time and how we went about coming to terms with it, so the track holds a special place in our hearts. I'm sure many people can relate to the circumstances outlined in the lyrics, which makes it perfect for a first release. I hope the music will be appealing, but more importantly, move and inspire those that listen.
--
Say My Name

This one was a fun project we recently finished this month and we decided to release an official music video for it. We wanted to subtly poke fun at the stereotypes in hiphop and rap when it came to Asian artists by taking the very same criticism and satirically playing out the parts. At the same time, we tried to write the lyrics to the best of our abilities -- albeit somewhat out of our usual characters -- and we challenge everyone to break the mold while having a good laugh too (at our expense). Enjoy!

Just The Way You Are.

Not a lot of time to write a long entry, about to head out to ball. Just wanted to post this cover I did today -- a bit of experimenting and a bit of my own flavour on a beautiful song by an amazing artist. It's such a meaningful tune, and at the same time it evokes some tough emotions right now. It's all good though, that's the power of music. Hopefully you guys like it!

Keep your heads up for me and Ambrose's channel here, by the end of this week we will release two singles (Fading and Say My Name).

VLOG #1 - DLRA

DLRA - Day in the Life of a Random Asian (real creative I know..)

Just an innovative attempt to promote my music and something different from writing clever prose and excessive words on this blog. Lots of moments showing the worst of me I guess, but the realest at the same time. Good times with friends never grow old -- so live your life for today and enjoy it.

As a first timer with no experience, I wanted to do something simple, so I just brought my camera around with me for a whole day on July 28th, 2010. For those that are curious about just how boring my life is, here you have it. I'm really not exaggerating when I say all I do is ball, play music and chill with the boys.. with some random singing in between.

I probably won't do this often (too much work), but if you're interested or if you just had a good laugh, please subscribe because I've got numerous musical projects gaining steam and making headway. I'll definitely try to release everything before accounting takes over my life fulltime in September.

Kudos (or props) if you made it through the whole vlog -- it was long to film and even longer to edit. Thank goodness for Grade 11 Commtech.

Questions & Answers.

"How strange that the nature of life is change, yet the nature of human beings is to resist change." - Elizabeth Lesser's 'Broken Open'

To be honest, I've been meaning to write about this for a while now, but I've just been putting it off because coming to terms with the realness of the situation just seems so final. And so I've been denying and kind of dragging out the foregone conclusion for months now without any sort of conviction or full-heartedness in whatever direction I took.

I've said it before, the seemingly easy choice is to live in the past and desperately cling onto something that might not be there anymore because we feel it can be justified with truths that we believe to be steadfast and everlasting. The problem is that sometimes we fail to recognize what was so strongly evident before may have just been a fleeting moment in the air of the night and no longer tangible anymore. Let's not kid ourselves, the realities of a year ago, a month ago, and even a week ago has no guarantee of holding true tomorrow. Time never waits for anyone, and neither does change.

---

Ever since I was young, I’ve been incessantly fixated on knowing the why’s and how’s of life –- why the sky is blue, why two times two is four, why my goldfishes are upside down, why things end up the way they do, etc.

Since then, I've grown up and graduated, but I don't think I've made any compromises -- I still search for closure and thirst for knowledge to every aspect of my life. But recently I'm beginning to learn that while the questions are legitimate, sometimes there just aren't any answers. Things happen in life because they do -- no why’s or how’s are given because there is absolutely no way, and subsequently no need, for us to understand it when we are so caught up in the moment. Even if the answers existed, we’d be talking too loud and complaining too much to hear the whispers of truth anyways.

I guess I’ve gotten tired, and begrudingly, I've come to accept that there’s really no point in chasing for answers that nobody has. Look, sometimes it just doesn’t work out and no matter how deep you dig, you won’t find what you’re looking for. Accept it for what it is instead of what you want it to be, and move on. What's the use of finger pointing when there really isn't anyone to blame? I gave the best of me and I have to understand that it just wasn't enough, that's all.

So, thank you for the lessons. None of them were easy, but all of them were worth it. There’s a reason why it’s called our lives – we are entitled to our own decisions and we have to live with them whether we want to or not. You made yours pretty clear, and I guess it’s about time I stopped stalling and made mine as well.

...perfect.

Stay Classy, CB.

For all those Chris Bosh supporters who stand by the fact that he was a class act and someone who was loyal to our team for seven years, please, don't judge a player by the facade he displays to the media.

Here's a story from Yahoo Sports detailing the now-infamous exit by CB4.. CB1? Whatever.

It's not that I question Bosh's commitment and what he gave us during his tenure, but it's often said that when it's time to part ways, that's when people's true nature exposes themselves. CB had every right to choose a new environment and a new organization to continue his career -- that's his prerogative. The nature of how he left is the unsettling point. While at some point, he probably loved the Raptors and wanted to stay with the fans, it's clear now that those feelings were scattered to the wind when the summer of 2010 arrived. There's no point remaining bitter and hung up though, it was a good run while it lasted, right?

It may sound cliched, but it still rings true in basketball and in life -- we should forgive, but never forget.

Chris Bosh left us by checking out early and tweeting like a little schoolgirl. Good for him. We can do better, and we will.

Sorry, couldn't resist one last parting shot.

This Made My Day.

Yahoo's Adrian Wojnarowski on why Lebron James did not choose Chicago:

"For everything the Bulls tried to sell – from owner Jerry Reinsdorf to GM Gar Forman to coach Tom Thibodeau – there had been one thing that troubled James about the Bulls pitch: Derrick Rose never called and tried to recruit him. Chicago officials never directly requested Rose to reach out with a call, and the young point guard felt James could’ve always reached out to him had he wanted to discuss the possibility of playing together. James needed to be courted, needed to be wooed and apparently it surprised him there was a star who wasn’t falling over himself to do that."

Hell yeah, that's my boy. Don't ever sell out, DRose.

Regret.

"Regret" - Victor Lu
Download mp3 here.

Like I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I've been writing a lot since I got back from my trip -- at least enough bars to fill several songs, and I promised I would definitely share them with everyone once I felt ready. I actually debated and second guessed myself a lot on whether to release this track or not, and in the end I chose to because it was the one that meant the most to me. It's pretty personal and addresses a lot of issues that I pretty much swept under the rug over the last few years and decided to avoid talking about. It's also the first song I've completely written, recorded and released by myself in almost three years. The inspiration for this one came to me one night and I wrote it all in one sitting and recorded it the next day. I will say this -- I completely underestimated the difficulty in rapping for over 3 minutes straight without making a mistake. There are a few rough patches but out of the 40-some takes I took, this was the only complete one.

Hindsight is always 20/20, and because of that, regret is always going to be something that everyone has to live with. What I learned is that the only way to overcome regret is to take ownership of your mistakes and to become accountable to what you've been avoiding all along. Then, we just need to have the strength and peace with ourselves to let go of the past, embrace the present and anticipate the future.

For those that may feel offended by the content, I first want to apologize, and then I want to challenge you to understand the meaning behind the lyrics. If you still can't get it, then grow up -- I could care less what you think in the end. Don't get it twisted, for once I didn't do this for anyone else. This one's purely for me.

Learning.

It's been two days into my new job and I can honestly say that my fatigue rivals what I felt when I had to go to the Expo in Shanghai for three straight days during my trip this summer. The commute is bad -- 2 hours there and back, the pay is minimum wage, and the standing in blistering heat for 9 hours doesn't exactly make me feel better. I'm eerily reminded by the stinging pain in my heel of the summer when I had plantar fasciitis (you can google that). I've done some crazy jobs in the past and I would put this one right up there (but slightly better) than selling golf coupons door to door, but slightly worse than selling knives from home to home. I think it's comparable to working in a computer warehouse unloading CRT monitors though -- that was one hell of a summer.

For those that don't know, I recently took a job as a fundraiser on behalf of the Canadian Cancer Society to canvas for donations downtown during the week. Yes, I'm one of those extremely disliked people that I fully admit to shafting when I was on the other side of the coin. I don't think anyone can really prepare you for the grueling task of standing on a busy street in mid 30 degrees weather asking people if they have time to stop and chat so you can try to convince them to donate to charity on a monthly basis.

During some stretches of my long day, I ask myself, "Vic, what the hell were you thinking taking this job? You start full-time work as an accountant at Deloitte in September, so why are you spending a blistering hot summer out on the streets everyday for 9 hours begging people for money?" Believe me when I say sometimes I have no answer to why I suddenly decided to turn my lifestyle upside down. The job isn't exactly easy by any means, and while I said I needed a change of pace, sometimes I feel a bit overwhelmed by it. It is physically and mentally draining, but in the end, it is a challenge I would like to see myself overcoming. My manager said during training that if you can succeed in this job, you can succeed in anything.

The Good
Every canvasser has to go through a 5 day evaluation period where they must raise a minimum of $160 in monthly donations (we don't take one time gifts). After my first day, I PAC'ed $85 from 2 people, which was surprisingly nice. The second day I only had $10, but the positive out of being able to PAC $95 in two days is the self confidence to believe that "Hey, I think I can do this.." I guess all that smiling for tips at Baskin Robbins really paid off.

The Bad
Did I mention the minimum wage, the standing and the heat already? Oh, I did? Well take all those things and couple it with the fact that some people who walk by you think of you as less than human; like you're the gum on the bottom of their shoe. They think so less of you that many don't even bother to acknowledge your presence. I've seen old ladies scream at my colleagues, people flip us off, threaten us and use various derogatory terms that are pretty personal even though everyone says not to take it seriously. Buddy, we canvas for a not-for-profit charity organization trying to fight cancer for those who have contracted the illness and for those that might in the future. We are not trying to rob you or sell you anything, and yet some people still believe in the fact that there's a conspiracy that the cure for cancer has already been found and organizations like the CCS are just clever corporate cash cows. Why don't you tell that business model to my aunt and cousin in China who lost a husband and a father to pancreatic cancer? Sometimes the insensitivity of Canadians infuriate me. We generally are considered compassionate, but that facade really comes to light when you witness firsthand the selfishness of our society and the heartlessness of a collective city.

The Lessons
1. Humility - Sometimes I'm susceptible to subconsciously feeling like I am above others when I have superior ability or past achievements based on the fact that having self confidence has been ingrained into my nature. This job has served as a good reminder by putting myself in a position to be talked or looked down upon to realize that as a Christian, I need to humble myself to the world. Am I better than you? Maybe, but I will never explicitly give you the dirty look that tell you I believe that. Now that I can speak from experience, trust me when I say that there aren't many feelings worse than that.

2. Tolerance - When I was little, my mom always told me to stand up for myself and not let anybody push me around. I might have taken that advice to heart a bit too much. I've always had a pretty quick temper and a hard time letting things go. This is especially evident with my sharp mouth and my hotheadedness when I'm on the court. It is definitely something I've been working on lately -- to be a better person in general. Less drama in life, no technical fouls during the season, more mature mindset and outlook etc. While I've never been shy in public, I've also never been glared at, completely ignored, or treated like dirt by so many people so many times in a single day. It is an effective test to gauge my mettle to shrug off offensive gestures, insults and actions, put a smile on my face and begin anew with the next one. Undoubtedly, there will be many cases of failed plans, challenges and difficulties in life. This experience will help me not be shackled by them for too long, and to be able to forgive and move on when I feel that I've been wronged. To hold on when there is nothing left is a complete waste of effort, and so not worth it.

3. Selflessness - As an only child, my parents have always put me in the centre of their lives. I didn't have a lot growing up because we were so poor back then, but my family always gave me all of them when they could. I wouldn't say I'm spoiled, but I do feel like I have a sense of entitlement that I need to shed as I mature and grow older. While there are days I regret my decision, ultimately I feel refreshed doing something for others for a change. Do I need the money? Of course not, what can minimum wage less transportation costs really grant me that is so much more abundant than what I make at the Pet Valu Helpdesk? Do I need the job? I start full-time work at Deloitte in 2 months, so my career has already been planned for the next few years. For once, I am doing something that isn't purely self-guided. Although my intentions were to escape the cocoon lifestyle of self-wallowing that I was trapped in since I got back from my trip, sometimes I catch myself wondering, "Is God proud of me that I took this experience?" He put me here and gave me this opportunity for a reason, so instead of living in the past or waiting for the future, why don't I enjoy the moment for once?

Conclusion:
All in all, I might not last that long with this new job, and it is definitely temporary, but I feel like God has taught me a lot these last two days and that the experience itself was something that I had to try myself to really understand and mature as a person. Yes it's frustrating, it's tiring and it's difficult, but at the same time, rewards don't come for free. If I can say that I left this position a better man, then I think it would have been worth the fight. It's my last summer off before the real world hits -- what better way to spend the time than to use it to become a more well-rounded and complete Christian?

P.S.
I finally had the chance to meet up with my old pastor last night, who was one of the most influential mentors I had when I was growing up as a teenager. I hadn't seen him in about 4 years since I left Zion, but I guess it didn't matter whether I was 16 or 22, our relationship never really changed. While he didn't tell me anything that I didn't know already, he helped me accept those things for what they really are -- the truth. The rest is up to me to maintain that focus and not lose sight of the path I am supposed to be on. I can't really return the favour, so I guess if you're reading this Hafsen, for now I'll just say;

thanks.

Rebound.

"Rebounding is defined as causing a second chance. Essentially, that's what I do, both on the court and off."

That's what I wrote for my blurb four years ago in my yearbook, and when I looked back today, I realized that even though appearances may change, my heart remains the same.

The best part of basketball is that there is always a chance to rebound. As a player, there will always be shots you don't make, but everyone knows that instead of letting the misses get the best of us, we should just get the misses ourselves. Plus, there's going to be nights where we just don't have it, but we rest assured that there will always be a next time where we can prove we're better than what we've shown. That's the beauty of basketball -- continuity.

I've written about rebounding extensively in the past -- my testimony, my Facebook notes, etc., and people might have the wrong impression that I'm trying to make it sound easier than it really is. I'm not. I fully admit that it is challenging, difficult and inconsistent, especially when you have nothing to drive you. You're plagued with thoughts of "why me?" and become complacent with clothing yourself in pity. But then again, how long are you going to stay down just because it's easier? I've never been that type to let something shackle me to the floor, and there's no reason for me to regress to that now. Like I've written before, this is my last summer off -- why waste it like this?

A few years ago, someone close gave me a couple of rubberbands. On them, she wrote "LUstrong" (to compensate for those livestrong bands that were all the rage). It's ironic for a variety of reasons now how I still look to them as inspiring reminders of who I am and the man I plan to be. But unsurprisingly, they're the ones to make that final push in the end for me to come to realize that it's time to;

get off my ass,
stop feeling sorry for myself,
and make something of my life.

...so here I come.

Kids at Heart.

It's funny how time passes by so quickly even when you have nothing to do. It's almost been 3 weeks since I came home from my trip, but I feel like I haven't really accomplished anything during that time. Everyday, I wake up unsure of what the day holds -- generally I guess it's a bad thing because I feel like I'm wasting my life away. But since I'm starting work in September, how many more chances am I going to get to just bum around?

One good thing that comes out of a lot of free time is that you get to spend it with the people you want to be with doing the things that you love -- no matter how stupid or dumb it may seem to others. In the end, we're still kids at heart and I hope we'll still be doing this when we're 50.

It Is What It Is.

What I love almost as much as basketball is music. It's such a big part of who I am -- from listening to my guitar to my writing, its influence permeates into every aspect of my life.

People tell me, "Vic, it's just a song", but sometimes when one really hits home, that's when you know that it's more than just pretty words and a catchy melody. It's those times that I truly appreciate what music means for me, and I share it because I hope it can do the same for someone else. There's just no feeling like it -- music is truth.

God's Plan

People plan, regardless of whether they like it or not. Even the most spontaneous person is forced by circumstance to plan ahead occasionally. We make plans about everything -- what to eat today, what we're doing next week, our clothes, our careers, our relationships.

But has anyone learned their lesson about planning yet? It's an optimistic activity; almost bordering on naive because there is an absence of guarantee to it. Yet when people start constructing their future goals and whatnot, almost all of them believe that everything will work out exactly as imagined -- as if the world revolved around them. And all too many times, when the plans are subject to change, almost everyone is surprised or taken aback. Don't get me wrong, I think planning is a necessary task. What is missing too often is the tempering of expectations that something may go awry.

Why should we think like that? Well, contrary to belief, it's not pessimism. As a Christian, I think it is important to recognize that sometimes, our plan is not God's plan. He has a greater purpose for us that has been precisely mapped out to an extent that is beyond our imagination. God sees the whole forest when all we see is the tree in front of us. That's why when our plans don't work out, it's because it does not coincide with God's will.

This is hard to take most of the time. People by nature are arrogant and self-consuming -- we believe that we, and only ourselves, know what's best for us. We then make our plans accordingly, but it is impossible for our plans to be foolproof when we are beings that are stuck with permanent nearsightness. To keep it simple, God knows best, and His plan is what drives us along a certain path. When we want something that causes us to stray, He will redirect us at the expense of our temporary desires. While we may not understand the reasoning or see the benefits right away, it is faith that should compel us not to be bitter, but to accept the fact that while everything may seem right and in place, it is often the timing that isn't.

God is all knowing, there is no justification in fighting His will. When our plans do not fall in line with His, we must realign ourselves. Let me use a personal example. All throughout high school, the only extracurricular activity I was involved in was our basketball team. I was always able to balance the practices and games with my grades, and while I loved the sport, I loved the status and the attention that came with it a little more. By the time my final year came around, I expected no different. I also believed I was entitled to a roster spot because I was always a part of it, even in the presence of a new coach. God showed me differently and taught me a hard lesson. At the time, I was so bitter that I could not see past the fact that I WAS CUT, and it almost consumed me. I felt the world had somehow wronged me because I overestimated myself. While I would love nothing more than to rag on Dougall and point fingers on why I didn't make the team in my last year, ultimately, it was me who let myself fall out of shape, gain weight and slack off. In hindsight, when God took away the only source of escape I had from my life, it was not to punish me. It was to show me that I did not deserve basketball until I made some changes to my lifestyle and my mindset.

In the end, what did I lose? A season? Social status? It all seems trivial now. What God gave me was the ability to appreciate the game at its purest. Look, I shouldn't have had to play with a school team to love basketball. That year opened my door to playing with my church team, where God gave me the opportunity to take on more responsibility basketball-wise and develop my leadership abilities, which was never necessary as a role player. It also forced me to realize I needed to take care of my body to appreciate what I love as long as I possibly could, and after losing all that weight I have never looked back since.

When I think back, I would be lying if I said I thought it was fair of Dougall to cut me, but sometimes, life isn't fair. But I'm satisfied with where I am now because I know if I didn't get cut, I would have never played for ZAC, never focused on my body, and would still have the mindset that I'm better than you just because I made the team. Now I think I'm better than you because I can prove it on the court.

The point is, everyone has those "wow I'm so much better off now that I think about it" stories and experiences. God blesses us all in the end, so it's best for us not to be caught up in the failures and shortcomings of our own plans in the moment, but to look ahead and know that God will reward us with something better when He wills it.

Look, I know it's a lot easier said than done. I dwell all the time, but we just need to accept the fact that people are people and sometimes it doesn't work out. For us Christians, when we say, "I'll leave it in God's hands", how many of us secretly go home and replan everything and try to take control again? I'm definitely guilty of that. I guess it's a constant struggle to have complete faith because we're all afraid of the uncertainty. Ultimately, that fear is misplaced because there is nothing more certain than God, and sometimes we just tend to lose sight of that. I didn't mean for this to become a rant -- it was more of the fact that I had to write it all down to remind myself. If anyone wants to discuss this issue, feel free to hit me up -- you guys know where to find me.

On the other hand, when our plan and God's plan coincide, it's a beautiful thing. Check it out, it's pure, unadulterated joy from one of my favourite players -- real recognize real.